Today is Valentine’s Day, yes. But for Josh and I it’s always been just a wonderful excuse to make a big deal out of the day we were engaged! He proposed on a national holiday, when I expected him to be all sentimental and romantic, so that I wouldn’t be suspicious. I still kinda was... but aren’t we always, ladies? :)

Today is eleven years since he proposed. ELEVEN. We have walked through over a decade of learning to love each other better every day. 

I wasn't planning to write this post, but I was reminded while reading through Scripture this morning of how valuable the marriage relationship is. It is so valuable, that Paul used the example of Christ and the Church to explain the marriage relationship. It's no wonder then, that this relationship is also highly attacked in our culture.

The truth for many of us when we enter into a relationship with our future spouse - is that it's mostly based on feelings. We feel a spark, a connection, an indescribable pull towards the other person - chemistry, some call it. And for the rest of our marriage, we fight to keep that "spark" alive. To not lose the flame that once lit the fire and passion beneath which our relationships were built.

I absolutely felt that natural pull towards Josh very early on in our relationship. We met casually while shooting around in the basketball gym, my first year in college. But I first really noticed him while we were playing a co-ed game of flag football a few weeks later. He was the one looking hot and sweaty scoring all the touchdowns on the other team (what else can I say?) In our case, we dated for about two and a half years before getting married, and experienced what it was like to lose a little steam. Like that time he moved four hours away, after graduating college, to take on a full-time job in ministry and left me all alone in the dust. I was sure he was going to find someone better suited for him (maybe someone who wasn't so unsure of herself and what she was going to do with her life and didn't change her degree three times) so I did the only rational thing and broke up with him first. That lasted about a minute. Because... there was that pull again. 

I believe God works through natural chemistry. But I also, absolutely, believe He can work without it too. It is a gift to be drawn and attracted to your spouse. But it is integrity and commitment that keep us there.

Josh and I, both, had great mentors going into marriage that taught us this. And now, eleven years later, I can attest to it. We have seen marriages end over trivial things and marriages stay together despite huge challenges. The difference has always come down to valuing commitment over feelings. 

---

In my Scripture reading, I found it interesting that the only time Jesus specifically addressed marriage was when He was basically being interviewed on the streets by the paparazzi. I imagine a camera crew and mics shoved in his face as he's walking about his business. 

Pharisees: "Jesus, can you tell us whether or not a man is allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?"
Jesus: "Have you even read your Bible?" (sidenote: I love that he shoots back at them like this) "God created two different genders - male and female - from the beginning. And He said, 'This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.'" 
Pharisees: "Well, why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?" 
Jesus: "Moses permitted divorce, ONLY, as a concession to your hard hearts. But this is not what God intended for marriage to be. And I'll add - that whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery... unless his wife has already been unfaithful."
Disciples (chiming in): Sounds like it's better to not even get married! 
Jesus: "Well, not everyone can accept this - only those who God helps. Some are born as eunuchs (by definiton, a "eunuch" is an emasculated man, with no sex drive) some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose to become eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can."

  (Matthew 19:1-12)

---

Whew! Do you not feel the weight of marriage after reading that? I know I do. Jesus basically summed it up - marriage isn't for everyone. I could get into a political discussion on how the world has stolen the marriage covenant that was originally ordained by God, but I won't go there. There are so many factors in our current society that cause people to marry for the wrong reasons and it's no coincidence that two of the biggest reasons people marry are also the biggest reasons they get divorced - sex and money.

It all comes back to feelings. 

When I look at my marriage with Josh, I see a partner in ministry. A father to our children. A loving and faithful husband. Though the feelings I have for my husband are very strong and have only grown deeper over the years - the truth is, we didn't marry for sex or money. So, praise God, our marriage will never fail or succeed because of those two things. 

Whatever a house is built on, will be what remains when a storm comes. And they will come (I wrote a few songs about some of ours). If your foundation is blown away, there will be nothing to rebuild on. But if your foundation is faithfully placed in the arms of the One who lovingly created you both - man and woman - He will rebuild (if necessary), sustain and carry you through this life, together, as husband and wife. 

I still remember saying goodbye to my friends on the last day of 5th grade. It was 1998 and it was emotional. The way the school zones worked out, I was going to end up attending a different middle school than most of the kids I had spent the last six years growing up with. I had never been the “new kid” before and I wasn’t really sure I wanted to be. As my bus slowly rolled out of that elementary school parking lot, so did the tears from my eyes. And as I stared out that foggy, glass window, I wondered if I’d see my best friend or secret crush ever again.

Who knew that only six years later, in 2004... there would be a way that I could. I believe it’s no coincidence that Facebook was created the year before I graduated high school. Instead of tears rolling down my cheeks my senior year, I was jotting down college email addresses so I could add all my friends on this new and upcoming, popular social website! It seemed pretty straight forward - you put up a profile picture, shared photo albums and “wrote on walls” of people you wanted to say hi to. It was brilliant and most importantly, I’d never have to miss a friend again! 

In 2006, I began blogging as a college student just trying to figure out life. I was married only two years later after I just turned 21, and was joyfully naive, but nonetheless excited about offering advice to the rest of the world! I spent a good portion of the early years of marriage writing about faith, music and ministry life together with my wonderful husband. Those were golden and beneficial years. A transformation happened in my writing when I began to get vulnerable about our struggle with infertility, which eventually led to sharing the joy of our pregnancy with our first baby boy and then, by God’s grace, two girls following! It all came naturally as I shared my life, and family, with people across the internet. And I ended up keeping in touch with quite a bit more than just those few friends I was afraid to miss in high school. 

But if I’m honest, It’s 2019 now and after 15 years of being on the Internet, I’m ready to quit. 

There are many reasons I’ve been struggling with wanting to quit the internet (stirs up comparison and discontentment, too many people to keep up with, never feeling enough, etc.) But, for times sake, I’ll break it down into the BIG 3. 

THREE REASONS I WANT TO QUIT THE INTERNET.

1. My time is limited. 

There is a lot of pressure these days to maintain and grow your social media presence. As someone who does photography as a side gig, I know that I have to keep posting regularly or I lose my place in the “algorithm” and stop showing up in feeds. Which, therefore, hinders my prospect for new clients. But, as motherhood has taken its toll on me (in the best of ways) my time and energy have become limited. I distanced myself from this blog almost two years ago after receiving some not-so-nice comments about a political post I wrote. It wasn’t the mean comments that got to me - it was that I didn’t have the energy to defend my words anymore. This was a problem. If I was going to invest my heart and passion into writing something, I knew I needed to have the follow-through to defend it. Which brings me to my next point — 

2. I’m too passionate. 

I struggle with how to be a good and present mom and also... save the world from going theologically, spiritually and politically down the drain! (I think I’m a little too late on that last one) I have watched from the not-so-comfortable sidelines for over two years, hoping that I would somehow (magically) turn into one of those mom-bloggers who could write about sofas and recipes and call it a day. (Please take no judgment, sofa and recipe-writing mamas! I need you. I read you.)

But that’s just not how I’m wired. And I’ve learned to be okay with it. And more than okay, I’m grateful. Grateful that God would give me this never-ending desire to see Truth win out. And let’s face it, I’m just no good at blogging unless I can blog about the things that give me life and purpose. Some would argue a couch could do that for them. My couch can’t. 

3. The world (and therefore, the internet) is dark and evil.

This is really the one I could sit down on for a few hours/days. The Holy Spirit has been heavy at work within me over these last two “silent” years, as I’ll call them. I have felt so unsettled by the current spiritual climate of our country. My heart, physically, aches. I read things almost on the daily now that cause me to run to Scripture. Not just to have a verse to throw into the fighting ring - but as armor to guard my own heart and mind. It’s scary out there! I have questions about everything. And even my questions have questions. As followers of Christ, we must cling to The Bible as our only true and reliable source - and, sadly, we are in a culture today that is trying to disarm us from our only weapon. 

But as I run to Scripture, I find that this battle has already been predicted. God knew beforehand that these were the times that would exist. And get this... it is NO coincidence that any of us were brought into this world FOR SUCH A TIME. 

“So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. ”

— Galatians 6:9

This brings me to…

WHY I WON’T QUIT.

If we believe God placed us into this world for this time, and we are called to be bright lights in a dark world (Matthew 5:14). Where else can we shine our lights brightest if not the place that seems the darkest? 

Honestly, I was hoping the internet would die or fade away if I started fading away from it. But that’s just not how it works. In fact, it seems like the more I try to ignore it - the louder it gets. (Try putting your phone down for a day and you will notice EVERYONE else on theirs). None of us are THAT important enough to kill it. The Internet is here to stay.

And one day soon (in fact, in LESS time than the amount of years I’ve been on Facebook!) I’m going to be handing it over to my children. How will I ever let them use a tool that I have never really grasped the purpose of myself? They are looking at our example now and, as with everything, we need to model what that looks like. 

Millennials are the first generation to parent while also using social media.
And we won’t be the last.

I’m afraid that one day we will have a lot of advice to give of “what-not-to-do” and not a lot of WHAT to do. I know that I’m still figuring it out myself.

But I can tell you this - it doesn’t look like endless self-promotion (though, at times, it is necessary). It doesn’t look like mindless scrolling, or ranting, or speaking words that I would never say in a conversation face-to-face. Or finding my value in numbers that go up and down like the waves. 

It does mean connection, speaking life, pointing others to Christ and spurring each other on into likemindedness. Did you know that we are called to think alike, as believers? Being of “one mind” is something Paul wrote about frequently with great urgency and prayer (1 Corinthians 1, Philippians 2). He knew it would be difficult. But I’ve found the best way to unify isn’t to shout from the outskirts, but to stand in the center of something with open arms. 

So even though I’m worn out, tired and ready to give up at times - I keep pressing into this space and using this tool to hopefully, somehow, be a light to the world and encourage other believers to do the same. When the voices of those who speak Truth begin fading from view, confusion takes over. And where there is no vision, the people perish. 

“When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is joyful.”

— Proverbs 29:18

And to think, I thought the Internet was just a brilliant way for me to never miss a friend again. Only God knew it would be a tool to make sure my friends never missed Him. 

Have you ever wondered?

That’s not an incomplete sentence.
I mean it, completely.
Do you ever just stop and wonder, anymore?

“wonder (v.): 1. Desire or be curious to know something. 2. Feel admiration and amazement; marvel.”

As a little girl, I remember spending a great amount of time outdoors, swinging and... just wondering. About life, about my future, about what my friends may be doing in that moment. In fact, I spent so much time wondering that I would end up filling in the blanks with my imagination. I was known as “the daydreamer” of the family - losing myself in thought and often dreaming of what life may be like outside of the small town we lived in.

I have been thinking about this idea of “wonder” lately. And how we are ever so rapidly losing it in our culture today. In an age of instant communication and Google at our fingertips - there is rarely any question left unanswered. And rarely any patience left for wondering, anymore.

We are quick to silence our thoughts, by reaching for a device. And then we fill our thoughts with an abundance of information that we may or may not need. Instead of filling our curiosity on interests that make up who we are - we are letting culture transform and change our interests into what they want them to become.

Ignorance is our worst enemy.

Irrelevance is our greatest fear. 

And then, the only thing we are really left wondering - is why there is so much anxiety and depression? Loss of passion and desire? Why do we feel so empty, when our days and hours are so full?

Google doesn’t have the answers for that.
And believe me, I’ve tried.

When we stop and let ourselves wonder, I believe we find a world that is full of it. The wonder of creation, for instance, is something I will never get over. How did the mountains form? How do the clouds spread across the sky like cotton candy? How does every living thing have a purpose and function in the ecosystem?

Every single time I draw deeper into wondering and discovering the world we are living in, I draw deeper and closer to the God who created it. And I believe it was designed that way for a purpose.

For it is in the wonder that we find His fingerprints.

“For ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities - his eternal power and divine nature. So they have no excuse for not knowing God.”

— Romans 1:20