Today is Valentine’s Day, yes. But for Josh and I it’s always been just a wonderful excuse to make a big deal out of the day we were engaged! He proposed on a national holiday, when I expected him to be all sentimental and romantic, so that I wouldn’t be suspicious. I still kinda was... but aren’t we always, ladies? :)

Today is eleven years since he proposed. ELEVEN. We have walked through over a decade of learning to love each other better every day. 

I wasn't planning to write this post, but I was reminded while reading through Scripture this morning of how valuable the marriage relationship is. It is so valuable, that Paul used the example of Christ and the Church to explain the marriage relationship. It's no wonder then, that this relationship is also highly attacked in our culture.

The truth for many of us when we enter into a relationship with our future spouse - is that it's mostly based on feelings. We feel a spark, a connection, an indescribable pull towards the other person - chemistry, some call it. And for the rest of our marriage, we fight to keep that "spark" alive. To not lose the flame that once lit the fire and passion beneath which our relationships were built.

I absolutely felt that natural pull towards Josh very early on in our relationship. We met casually while shooting around in the basketball gym, my first year in college. But I first really noticed him while we were playing a co-ed game of flag football a few weeks later. He was the one looking hot and sweaty scoring all the touchdowns on the other team (what else can I say?) In our case, we dated for about two and a half years before getting married, and experienced what it was like to lose a little steam. Like that time he moved four hours away, after graduating college, to take on a full-time job in ministry and left me all alone in the dust. I was sure he was going to find someone better suited for him (maybe someone who wasn't so unsure of herself and what she was going to do with her life and didn't change her degree three times) so I did the only rational thing and broke up with him first. That lasted about a minute. Because... there was that pull again. 

I believe God works through natural chemistry. But I also, absolutely, believe He can work without it too. It is a gift to be drawn and attracted to your spouse. But it is integrity and commitment that keep us there.

Josh and I, both, had great mentors going into marriage that taught us this. And now, eleven years later, I can attest to it. We have seen marriages end over trivial things and marriages stay together despite huge challenges. The difference has always come down to valuing commitment over feelings. 

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In my Scripture reading, I found it interesting that the only time Jesus specifically addressed marriage was when He was basically being interviewed on the streets by the paparazzi. I imagine a camera crew and mics shoved in his face as he's walking about his business. 

Pharisees: "Jesus, can you tell us whether or not a man is allowed to divorce his wife for just any reason?"
Jesus: "Have you even read your Bible?" (sidenote: I love that he shoots back at them like this) "God created two different genders - male and female - from the beginning. And He said, 'This is why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.'" 
Pharisees: "Well, why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away?" 
Jesus: "Moses permitted divorce, ONLY, as a concession to your hard hearts. But this is not what God intended for marriage to be. And I'll add - that whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery... unless his wife has already been unfaithful."
Disciples (chiming in): Sounds like it's better to not even get married! 
Jesus: "Well, not everyone can accept this - only those who God helps. Some are born as eunuchs (by definiton, a "eunuch" is an emasculated man, with no sex drive) some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose to become eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can."

  (Matthew 19:1-12)

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Whew! Do you not feel the weight of marriage after reading that? I know I do. Jesus basically summed it up - marriage isn't for everyone. I could get into a political discussion on how the world has stolen the marriage covenant that was originally ordained by God, but I won't go there. There are so many factors in our current society that cause people to marry for the wrong reasons and it's no coincidence that two of the biggest reasons people marry are also the biggest reasons they get divorced - sex and money.

It all comes back to feelings. 

When I look at my marriage with Josh, I see a partner in ministry. A father to our children. A loving and faithful husband. Though the feelings I have for my husband are very strong and have only grown deeper over the years - the truth is, we didn't marry for sex or money. So, praise God, our marriage will never fail or succeed because of those two things. 

Whatever a house is built on, will be what remains when a storm comes. And they will come (I wrote a few songs about some of ours). If your foundation is blown away, there will be nothing to rebuild on. But if your foundation is faithfully placed in the arms of the One who lovingly created you both - man and woman - He will rebuild (if necessary), sustain and carry you through this life, together, as husband and wife. 

Two days before Easter, we found out we would be expecting our third child! To be honest, it was in the wake of an extremely stressful time. Our little Hannah had fallen a couple days prior at Target and had to get four stitches in her forehead. I was already feeling overwhelmed and incapable of taking care of two very active little ones - that my immediate thought when I found out I was pregnant again was, How am I going to do this?!

But then I remembered my sweet boy, Micah, coming into the kitchen earlier that month, looking at me inquisitively and asking, "Mommy, how do we get another baby in your tummy?" I smiled at the thought of him wanting another little sibling, without knowing that his daddy and I had been "working" on it for a few months already. But so far, there were only negative tests. And I wasn't sure how much hope I should hold out for considering my history with endometriosis. So I kneeled down next to him and quietly said, "Well, you could pray and ask God to give us a baby." With a defeated voice he said plainly, "But I don't think God will hear me." I lifted his chin and stared straight into his eyes, determined to defeat both his fears and mine. "That's not true, I prayed to God to give me a baby and He gave me you and your sister. God will definitely hear your prayer." Then the sweetest thing I've ever seen happened - he folded his little knuckles, bowed his head right there in the kitchen and began praying, "God would You please give mommy a baby in her tummy? Amen."

Approximately 3 weeks later, that prayer was answered. 

It was this sweet reminder that put a smile across my face and lifted the weight of the insecurities and doubts that I would be able to take care of another child. Sure, I'm weak. And weary. And often feel like I can't handle it all on my own. But the Lord, gave us this child. He has always renewed my strength, in one way or another, and by His grace we continue to survive.

I have felt His strength while taking care of two preschoolers and simultaneously battling nausea and digestion issues. I felt His peace when I had to make a scary trip to the ER last week to be catheterized. This hasn't been the easiest pregnancy so far. But again and again, I'm amazed at the miracle taking place inside me and I know the Lord has His hand on it all.

One exciting perk to this pregnancy - I get to share the experience! My little sister is expecting her first child, a baby girl, in October! I am so excited for her and looking forward to having close cousins as playmates! It's been fun sharing this little secret with my sister for the last few months. And, though I'm not quite sure how she did it, she was able to keep her pregnancy under wraps for 20 weeks and just had a big gender reveal party last week to surprise her friends! I'm not sure whether they were more excited about the gender or the pregnancy, but I'm glad the secret is finally out! I was having a harder time keeping her pregnancy a secret than my own, ha!

Not that I would have ever been able to hide this bump for long. Third babies don't like to hide.

Josh and I had a fun getaway last week for our anniversary in the mountains. It was my first time being away from the kids since they were born, and as nervous as I was anticipating it to be - it was definitely a much needed and relaxing time! We may look all serene and serious in these photos, but it was quite the comedy trying to capture them! We set up the self-timer on my camera - and I was hopping over rocks and hills (in heels!) to try and make it back next to him in 10 seconds. It was worth it though. These views were breathtaking and priceless. I am so glad we were able to spend this time together... just the three of us. And I guess I still technically can't say I've spent a night away from my babies, seeing as how I'm currently carrying another one. :)  

I had a breakdown about a week before I released my EP.

The truth was, it was like the third breakdown I'd had over the course of three or four weeks. But this one was actually in front of people.

What really triggered it, was a conversation my husband and I were having with some friends who were visiting from out of town. We were laughing and catching up on life, our recent move and how things had been going for them.

But these aren't the type of friends who we just touch the surface with. And it quickly got to a place of "real-talk."

My husband began to open up with them about some of the personal struggles we were having (a lot of what we believed was the result of some intense spiritual warfare). I alluded to it in my last post when sharing the story behind my EP. But sparing the ugly details, it was one thing after another for us in the months following our move. And it affected us in every way - emotionally, spiritually and financially.

So there I sat, on the brink of tears, while Josh openly shared his heart with our friends.

I wanted to keep things lighthearted.

I wanted to celebrate and focus on all the good that was happening in our lives.

I should be happy, I thought, as I bit my lip and squeezed my eyelids together trying to force back the tears that I knew were inevitable.

But when they finally came, I now understand why - I felt unknown.

Have you ever felt this way? Like you have so much going on behind the surface, but don't know how or why or if you should share?

But your Instagram looks good. And you're still getting Facebook likes on all your cool jokes. So people think you're doing okay.

But then, someone who actually knows you comes over to your house and stares you in the face and asks how you're really doing... and there you are, a puddle on the floor.

Yeah, me too.

Sitting there on the couch, crying my eyes out in front of our friends, was humiliating, YES, but also freeing. Because they didn't run or excuse themselves from the conversation (never mind that they were staying with us that night and had nowhere else to go), but instead responded with, "us too." And we were able to hear how they were really doing and know how to pray and encourage them more.

With all the depression, anxiety and silent battles people are facing, I am more convinced than ever that being our real, honest selves is the only true way to live.

That's much easier to know than believe. And much easier to say than do. I understand. It took many prayers and my hard shell of pride breaking down to admit it. And also, this quote:

But really, THIS QUOTE. 

I'll never forget after my husband and I came on staff at a prior church, one of the volunteers made a comment to someone that we looked like "the perfect Christian family" and that they "could never relate" to us.

 Nothing broke my heart more.

Because... if they only knew.

So much of me wanted to find that person and spill out my life story. Tell them every pain and heartache Josh and I had faced in our lifetimes, and how it all felt undermined by their one simple assumption.

But I didn't.

Instead, I took it as a reminder to never judge a cover. Because there is so much more to every person's story, than the Hallmark movie you've probably made up in your head.

And I also took it as fuel to continually strive in being known. But ultimately resting in the fact that I already am.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. ‭‭You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:2-6‬ ‭