I had a breakdown about a week before I released my EP.

The truth was, it was like the third breakdown I'd had over the course of three or four weeks. But this one was actually in front of people.

What really triggered it, was a conversation my husband and I were having with some friends who were visiting from out of town. We were laughing and catching up on life, our recent move and how things had been going for them.

But these aren't the type of friends who we just touch the surface with. And it quickly got to a place of "real-talk."

My husband began to open up with them about some of the personal struggles we were having (a lot of what we believed was the result of some intense spiritual warfare). I alluded to it in my last post when sharing the story behind my EP. But sparing the ugly details, it was one thing after another for us in the months following our move. And it affected us in every way - emotionally, spiritually and financially.

So there I sat, on the brink of tears, while Josh openly shared his heart with our friends.

I wanted to keep things lighthearted.

I wanted to celebrate and focus on all the good that was happening in our lives.

I should be happy, I thought, as I bit my lip and squeezed my eyelids together trying to force back the tears that I knew were inevitable.

But when they finally came, I now understand why - I felt unknown.

Have you ever felt this way? Like you have so much going on behind the surface, but don't know how or why or if you should share?

But your Instagram looks good. And you're still getting Facebook likes on all your cool jokes. So people think you're doing okay.

But then, someone who actually knows you comes over to your house and stares you in the face and asks how you're really doing... and there you are, a puddle on the floor.

Yeah, me too.

Sitting there on the couch, crying my eyes out in front of our friends, was humiliating, YES, but also freeing. Because they didn't run or excuse themselves from the conversation (never mind that they were staying with us that night and had nowhere else to go), but instead responded with, "us too." And we were able to hear how they were really doing and know how to pray and encourage them more.

With all the depression, anxiety and silent battles people are facing, I am more convinced than ever that being our real, honest selves is the only true way to live.

That's much easier to know than believe. And much easier to say than do. I understand. It took many prayers and my hard shell of pride breaking down to admit it. And also, this quote:

But really, THIS QUOTE. 

I'll never forget after my husband and I came on staff at a prior church, one of the volunteers made a comment to someone that we looked like "the perfect Christian family" and that they "could never relate" to us.

 Nothing broke my heart more.

Because... if they only knew.

So much of me wanted to find that person and spill out my life story. Tell them every pain and heartache Josh and I had faced in our lifetimes, and how it all felt undermined by their one simple assumption.

But I didn't.

Instead, I took it as a reminder to never judge a cover. Because there is so much more to every person's story, than the Hallmark movie you've probably made up in your head.

And I also took it as fuel to continually strive in being known. But ultimately resting in the fact that I already am.

O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. ‭‭You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand!

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭139:2-6‬ ‭

“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”

— John 13:35

I have been so grateful for friends that have called, texted and supported us in our move to Jacksonville. I am not kidding when I say, we have some incredible, kingdom-minded friends. Just yesterday alone, I woke up to a sweet text from a friend in Ocala praying for our services at Chets Creek. And then later in the afternoon, another friend wrote to say she was thinking of us and hoped we had a wonderful morning of worship!

Man, THIS is the kind of love that we (Christians) should be known for. Not self-seeking or self-gratifying, but just-because-I-care love with no other pretense.

I have to be honest, one of the hardest parts of transitioning in ministry is leaving one church for another and praying they truly get that it's about the mission and don't take it personally. These calls and texts from friends are exactly the encouragement I've been needing in this season. And I felt a strong sense that maybe there are some of you who are needing this encouragement as well. I hope you'll keep reading, and find some inspiration for your kingdom-work, my friend. 

A little over a month ago, we packed up our home and said goodbye to one ministry to start another. I wouldn't say it's been an easy transition, because I'm not sure that "easy" and "transition" ever really go well together. But I do believe it's been a healthy one.

After so many years in student ministry, I remember my husband (Josh) saying multiple times that "a sign of a healthy transition is when you leave a ministry and it doesn't fall apart."

His reasoning, at the time, was to encourage leaders in the student ministry to invest in the lives of those students so that the ministry was not all about him. If he relied solely on his own (super awesome) personality and (incredibly gifted) teaching to transform the lives of students, then what would happen if he ever left? (adjectives in parentheses inserted by his super-fan wife 😉)

A question that can only be answered when someone ultimately does, leave.

I love hearing and seeing what God continues to do in the ministries we have been blessed to be a part of. There were some great things that happened under our leadership and some even greater things that have happened since we moved on! Not all the seeds we planted grew while we were there. But it's exciting to watch from afar and know that when growth does happen, someone else had the blessing of doing the watering.

Ultimately, it is God that grows that seed. And we could never take credit anyway.

“It’s not important who does the planting, or who does the watering. What’s important is that God makes the seed grow. The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work. For we are both God’s workers.”

— 1 Corinthians 3:7-9

 

I think it is a temptation for all of us, especially our media-saturated, status-driven generation, to become deceived and prideful about growth. It's easy to see why - a lot of people attending our ministry is an exciting thing! And should be celebrated, no doubt!

But pride will quickly shatter a kingdom-heart. Other ministries become competitions and other ministers become competitors. Jealousy and selfish ambition are signs of the last days - and unfortunately, the church is not an exception.

The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. This is the church, friends. Working together with the same purpose. It doesn't always have to look the same. In fact, it shouldn't always look the same. We are each called to play different roles in different lives at different times. Planting and watering. One is not more important than the other, but both are necessary. And ultimately, the growth - the glory, the awe, the wonder and beauty - is God's.

This is what it looks like to be workers for the Kingdom. And you know how people will know we are His? Not by tweeting our service numbers (although, I pray they are growing!) but by cheering each other on.