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I have a confession: I care too much about what people think of me. It's embarrassing how much I care, actually. Within my inner being, I have a desire to please people. Often times more than my desire to please God.

Am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? Or am I striving to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ. Galations 1:10

  It's easy for me to rationalize this, because my relationship with God is never based on my performance. I know He loves me at my worst and at my best. When I fail, He forgives. When I do something worthy of praise, His love is unchanging. It's not based on my ability. It's not based on anything I say or do. It's a relationship centered on what He has alreadydone for me and there is nothing I could do to repay Him. I am but clay in His hands. Being molded and refined in the process.

Yet, my relationship with people is different. They are the ones I have to please.

There is a lot expected of Christians, in general, to live... well, perfect. I heard someone the other day make the common complaint about how Christians are so "hypocritical." And I wanted to cry. Because I felt like she was talking about me.

I am a hypocrite. I always will be. I will never live perfectly what I preach. Because, I preach a gospel that says I don't have to be.

Yet, I work hard at proving myself to others anyway. As Emily Freeman says in her book Grace for the Good Girl, "Because I care so much what you think... I desperately want to manage your opinion of me. Nearly everything I do is to convince you I am good. If I sense any hint of disbelief on your part that I am good, if it seems your opinion is other than what I wish it to be, it becomes my job to change your mind."

It's one thing to say you don't care what people think about you, but it's another thing to live like it.

Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you, for that is how their ancestors treated the false prophets.Luke 6:26

  I have to be honest, I find so much comfort in this verse. Lately, I have felt like I've been under a spiritual attack. The enemy has been speaking lies over me. That I am no good. That people don't like me. And of course, using little situations to remind me of this constantly.

It is no coincidence that God led me to this verse tonight. To help me realize that not everyone will speak well of me, and that it is okay. Many of the Pharisees had strong opinions about Jesus and questioned the way he said and did things. A lot of perceptions were made. A lot of judgement cast. And many people chose not to follow him because of it. I am in good company. 

But a desire to please people is not completely unbiblical. Proverbs 22:1 says, "Choose a good reputation over great riches; being held in high esteem is better than silver or gold." And 1 Peter 2:12 explains why good works are important, "Be careful to live properly among your unbelieving neighbors. Then even if they accuse you of doing wrong, they will see your honorable behavior, and they will give honor to God when he judges the world."

So how do we battle this conflict within us to "care or not to care" what people think?

By realizing at the heart of it all, our true desire should be caring what people think about Jesus.  And in many ways, that's why I take my reputation so seriously. Because I am a reflection of His grace and love - and if they reject me, I worry they will reject Him.

But honestly? If someone rejects the grace of Jesus Christ because of me, then they obviously don't understand it. Or they would know that I am in need of it just as much as them.

I just hit 33 weeks, and many have asked me how I'm doing at this stage of pregnancy with a toddler. Usually when they ask, I am in the middle of chasing Micah around or toting him on my hip, and it seems like the answer they are expecting is already obvious in the midst of this particular chaotic moment. But I thought I'd take a "mom time-out" to tell you a little about how it's really going. Pregnancy has actually been a lot easier on me this second time around.

Aside from the fact that I think I've contracted nearly every possible cold or stomach bug that's gone around this season, I am feeling pretty great! It could be that my body was so recently pregnant, that it jumped back into the swing of things like an old friend was visiting. But none of the "growing pains" that I experienced with Micah have been as much of an issue this time around. I have told people this a few times already, but I think having a toddler to chase around is actually a great distraction. Sure, my belly is huge and in the way while trying to change a diaper or give Micah a bath, but it has oddly become a nice little cushion while carrying him. And I must say, I think it's by God's grace that my little guy only weighs 22lbs. It's still an arm workout, but I couldn't imagine adding another 5lb plate.

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I think the biggest difference this time around is understanding that the real change is coming after the pregnancy.

First-time pregnancy was such a transforming thing to my body physically. I gained 50 pounds, those dreaded stretch marks and my fingers swelled so bad I couldn't wear my wedding rings after the 7th month. But you would never hear me say that then. I did my best to not take a moment for granted and certainly not complain. We had prayed so long to have a baby, how could I?

But now that I have something to compare it to, I am actually very proud of my first-pregnancy self. The physical changes this time have been a lot easier. So far I've gained half the weight, no new stretch marks, and I don't look like an unwed mother walking around town anymore. Maybe it's a gender thing, or maybe (and more likely from what I've heard) it's the case of the second pregnancy.

Second pregnancies have less "pomp and circumstance" than the first. Baby showers and maternity photos are considered luxuries rather than necessities. And if you get them, there's almost the guilt that you are "going overboard" a little bit. At least, I feel that way about my upcoming "baby sprinkle" and I still haven't decided on the maternity photos.

But so far, I have completely enjoyed this pregnancy and... dare I say it, more than the first in many ways. I just feel more relaxed, excited and prepared for what's ahead. I know that labor will be different. I know that it will still be hard. But that's the exciting part! Knowing, and not knowing at the same time. Being prepared for the greatest feeling in the world, yet knowing it will probably feel completely different than the first.

I don't see why this pregnancy or any subsequent pregnancies, shouldn't be celebrated as much as the first. In fact, I think the celebration should just grow with every one! Because in my heart, it has.

So to answer the question of how I'm doing at 33 weeks pregnant with an almost-17-month old toddler, the answer is great. I have double the reason to celebrate this time. When I leave the hospital, I won't have just one baby to love and cuddle and snuggle with. But, two. And no pregnancy pain or ache could take away from the love and blessing that I know I am about to experience.

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Last night after small group Josh tweeted this statement, "Life change happens more in circles than rows." I immediately looked over and asked him if he made that up. "That's a good one!" I said. He told me it was an Andy Stanley quote. Well, of course. :)

But the truth is, he could have made it up. Especially after our time together with friends last night.

If you've ever been to church and sat in a pew, row or chair before and felt like something was missing, let me tell you, that's because there was. I truly believe that the difference between just attending church and getting connected in a small group is huge. Like, life-changing huge.

And let's take away the scary words like "accountability" and "discipleship" for a second.

Having a group of people that you meet with regularly to encourage, discuss, laugh and pray with is more than just "another church thing" to add to the checklist. These are friends. These are people who get to hear your heart, your story and learn what your likes and dislikes are (like the first night when I made chili and learned that one guy in our group doesn't like beans, ha! Try eating chili without beans... or don't, if you'd rather not starve!)

Small group is taking church home with you.

The benefits that come from having a small group are accountability and growth in your walk with the Lord. But those scary words don't become scary anymore. And before you realize it, you have a bunch of new friends that are there to encourage you through the difficult days and rejoice with you through the happy ones.

And those are things that you miss out on when you only sit in rows and not circles.