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I have a hard time being vulnerable online...

Maybe because everything I write on here is public domain and can be held against me in court... or something like that. It would probably help if I knew who was reading this. I've made the mistake before of assuming that all my close friends read my blog and know what's going on with me. Not the case. But I've never really shared anything that's mattered before.

I blog to release my thoughts that are jumbling around in my head. Not for an audience. But I do hope and pray that maybe someone that needs to read it will perhaps stumble across my site and hear a song, or read a word that inspires and uplifts them. Just like many of the bloggers out there have done for me. I'm not much of a commenter myself. I read a few blogs and never say a word in response. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Other times I'm embarrassed because my opinion is in the minority of comments on the post. But I do read.

I've noticed something while reading blogs lately. The ones with the most followers usually have an inspirational story. Something they were vulnerable about that reached out to a lot of others and encouraged them. I admire that. And I long to be authentic and for people to see Jesus in me. Which is why, today, I've decided to take the plunge and begin to share some personal stuff.

Forewarning: Guys, you may not want to read the rest of this. I'm about to get all girly and emotional.

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 Babies, all around me. Church. Doctor's office. Facebook newsfeed.  Constantly reminding me of one thing. This month marks a year  since Josh and I have been trying to conceive. Those words are not  something I really ever wanted to share. I wanted it to just happen. I  wanted to surprise everyone when I got  pregnant. What can I say?  I'm a girl.

 But month after month, the only surprised one was me when I got  multiple negative pregnancy tests. I began to become suspicious that  something must be wrong a few months ago. And after getting the recommendation  from a couple friends, I met with a doctor that specializes in infertility. He definitely got to work on getting  answers. A couple hours and exams later, he was pretty confident that I have endometriosis. Enough to  recommend laparoscopy surgery. Though the thought of surgery alone scares me, I will be glad to have some  definite answers after this.

 I know endometriosis is not the end of the world. And it's not the worse thing that could happen. But I can't promise you that I don't get down some days wondering why things couldn't just be easy. And just as soon as the words come out of my mouth, God humbles me. I have so much to be thankful for. My hope and trust is in God. After all, He's kind of in control of this whole "knitting together in the mothers womb" business. He knows when the best time for Josh and I to be parents is. And if at all. For now, I continue to be present where he's planted me in life: wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, musician.

And this is me, vulnerable.

As I sit here eating my pb&j in my classroom, pieces of construction paper lying all around (evidence left by the four year olds that were just claiming victory over my room) I am thankful. For my job, for children, for pb&j sandwiches. They say that the Christian life is a walk... but in the words of my husband last night at church, "It's more of a battle!" And I couldn't say "amen" loud enough. Take a look at the main characters in the Bible - Adam, Moses, Joseph, Job, David, Paul, Peter - to name a few. Their lives were a battle. Nothing came easy for them. I don't think it was a coincidence that God used these men (and countless women) to write His gospel story.

But most of all, Jesus was our ultimate example.

Growing up, I was told so many comforting things during times of pain. "Don't worry, God will never give you more than you can handle" and "If you aren't struggling, then you must not be doing anything for the Lord." But the most comforting of all came from Jesus.

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world." - Jesus. (John 16:33)

This is what has brought me through the tough times. Knowing I am not alone. And one day I'll be standing in good company with others who have fought the good fight of faith.

This past Thursday, Josh woke up feeling a little sick. Turns out he had a sinus infection. He decided to take the day off and rest. Because of my wonderful schedule, I don't go into work until 11:30am. So, I spent my morning with him just talking. The next day would be three years since his younger brother, Jordan, passed away from cancer. He had mentioned earlier in the week that he wished he could be with his family, but we both had responsibilities at work to tend to. Until Josh got sick. Instead of just lying around our house all weekend trying to get well, why not go lie around the house with his family? So that's what we did. I was able to use some personal days at work and get the weekend off! We left on Thursday afternoon and arrived in Greenville, SC on Thursday night.

I have some of the best in-loves in the world, and they let us show up with six hours of notice. :) We always get welcomed with a sweet note on our bed, something that still catches me by surprise and makes me say, "awww" every time I enter the room. This time there were two packs of Sunflower seeds (one of my favorite addictions) awaiting us. We spent the next couple days just relaxing and enjoying good food and memories. We love watching videos that Justin's made, walking our family dogs (Heidi and Daisy) and I even spent a bit of time revamping Josh's blog.

Cherishing every moment is something I've come to appreciate. As I look around the room we are staying in, I remember three years ago praying so hard for Jordan as he lay in that very room battling cancer. It doesn't seem like that long ago. How can three years pass by so fast, but one day at work go by so slow? I'm sure it depends on how much we are appreciating the moment. I've been impatient in some ways - wanting to start a family with Josh, waiting to record another album, wishing it were summer again (ha! just kidding) - but if I'm not careful I can miss out on the moment while dreaming of the future. And we can't ever get those days back.

This weekend we took a spontaneous trip to Greenville. But it was more than just skipping out on a couple days of work to take a mini vacation... we embraced moments that we will never have again. And we almost missed out on ever having.