One of the things that nobody tells you when you welcome your first baby, is that soon you will be sending him off to Kindergarten. It happens fast.
I remember bringing our first son, Micah, home from the hospital like it was yesterday. I remember lying in bed that night, amazed at the incredible miracle that just happened to us - we became parents! There was no looking back now. We were in this for life. For better or worse. Whatever came our way, we had someone else to think about and care for.
The overwhelming responsibility that comes along with parenting hits every one a little differently, I'm sure. Depending on whether having a child was in the "plans" for you at the time. I can tell you just from my personal experience that, planned or not, children carry with them more weight than the seven or eight pounds they are born with.
This weight was felt almost immediately for us. We were told only days after Micah's birth that he may need open heart surgery by the age of 6-8 weeks old. A decision that seemed completely out of our hands, still required us to do what we only knew best to do - pray. And by God's grace, that surgery wasn't needed.
Our responsibility as parents doubled quickly, when we had our second baby only a year and a half later. Our daughter, Hannah, was born at sunrise, and with her came a whole new set of parenting skills required. It was like we knew nothing - even though we had already done this once and not too long ago. But the truth is, every child really is different. And as parents, we have the unique privilege of knowing those differences and teaching, correcting and nurturing our children in a way that will be best for them.
Part of my goal in parenting over the last five years, has been learning about and getting to know my children. They are developing and changing everyday. Some days, I think I almost have them figured out and then other days, I'm sure I don't.
This second-guessing has carried over into pretty much every important parenting decision I have to make. And most recently, the decisions I have to begin making about their education. Some days, when I'm feeling particularly creative and intentional, I'm certain that I will homeschool them. And other days, I wrestle with myself about this for hours on end, driving me to the point of complete exhaustion. And then, when I've finally collapsed into a puddle of worthlessness on the floor, I'm certain that they never need to stay home full-time with a lunatic like me.
Unless of course, homeschooling is exactly what they need. And then I will pour myself into making every ounce of their education my duty and goal. I will rise above the problems and challenges, because that's what God created me to do when He made me their mom. If the decision could just be made for me, I think to myself, then I would do it.
And in a way, when we moved to Jacksonville, it kinda was.
Josh and I both grew up with different educational backgrounds - he was homeschooled all the way through high school and I was a poster-child for public school and even had the safety patrol badge and "Top D.A.R.E. Student" T-shirt to prove it. Of course, the conversations on what we would do with our children's education was brought up long before we even had children of our own. He shared the benefits and challenges of homeschooling from his perspective, and I shared the benefits and challenges of public school from mine.
After so many conversations, still neither of us could conclude, for certain, which option would be best for our family. We did settle on the fact that we would prefer private school over public school. But we knew, ultimately, it was our job as parents to teach them the truth about God's Word and not the school.
So when we moved to Jacksonville, I began looking into schools in the area and researching options for us if we were to go the private school route. It blew my mind.
I'm not sure what I was expecting because, truthfully, I don't have much experience with how much education costs. But I never imagined that the cost of schooling elementary students would rival that of college universities! I know, there is never a price tag you can put on your child's education, but STILL, $10,000 a year for schooling is just a little above our budget (and by a little, I mean A LOT).
So just like that, private school became out of the question for us. Unless, I got a full-time job. And while I do have a Bachelor's degree, my skill set and experience are mostly freelance and creative. The one "grown up" job I had right after I graduated college? Music and Art Teacher.
And then, it clicked.
Perhaps, God was preparing me for this the day I accepted that teaching job. Maybe there was a reason I came home from school every day as a child and taught my little sister everything I was learning. God had placed in me a desire to teach. But it was my own insecurities of failing, of being mocked, of choosing to school my children in a way that looked different than the majority of the world, that kept me doubting.