I hear it often. "Ya know, we just never fight," they say in passing while talking about their spouse. I gulp. Swallowing the guilt I feel inside for not being able to say the same.
How do they do it? I have asked myself more times than I want to admit. The fears and doubts that come with the reality that, while no marriage is perfect, some have figured out how to have an argument-free marriage is almost too much.
But perhaps the definition of an "argument" or "fight" looks different for everyone. If we are talking knock-down, drag-out, throwing-punches fighting- then, praise Jesus, we never fight either! But if we are talking about discussions that turn to disagreements that turn LOUD. Then, guilty as charged.
Maybe it's the fact that both my husband (Josh) and I are very passionate people. When we get on a topic that means a lot to us, tensions rise and we can get carried away. And especially when we get real and open up about things that we are struggling with - you can bet there is going to be some fighting going on! We fight because we are seeking truth. We fight because we are tired of failing. We fight because we hate sin. And by the end, we are usually better because of it. We know how to pray for each other and we know how to truly fulfill the role of helpmate in our spouse's life.
We also fight because we don't agree on everything. We agree on roughly 97.7% of things, but definitely not everything. For example - Josh doesn't like Shepherd's Pie and it just happens to be one of my all-time favorite meals. Of course I didn't know this until after I had slaved away making it during our first year of marriage, while also working and going to school full-time. It may have been one of our first fights ever. Just saying.
It's normal to disagree, because no two people are alike. If you claim to never disagree with your spouse, then I guess you are the exception to basically every genetic testing that exists. Or you just have no opinion. On anything. Ever.
I have to believe that couples who claim to never argue with their spouse are just not easily offended. A trait that I am praying and asking God to bless me with. They must be the type that doesn't even realize they are in an argument... when they are in an argument. It's incredible for me to think about, really - as I live on almost the exact opposite corner of the continent. Talk loud and I'm already crying.
But the reason I am addressing this issue (and simultaneously admitting to not having a perfect marriage) is because with Valentine's Day and all the "public romance" approaching - sometimes this is the time of the year when our marriages are vulnerable. When we compare. When we feel discouraged. And we will hear and read things from others that will tear us up inside. "We never argue," has been mine.
But please remember that your marriage is sacred. It is one of a kind. It may have it's flaws - but you have entered into a holy covenant with God when you married your spouse. His goal is that you will do more for the Kingdom together, than apart.
Josh and I may not be able to stand and claim that we never fight - but we do claim that, by God's grace, we are better together. And that is something worth fighting for.