I wouldn't call myself a worrier. I've met some worriers and I love them dearly, but they kind of stress me out a little bit. You mean you fed your child eggs before he turned ONE?! You know something's wrong when you start worrying about the fact that you're not worrying enough. But since becoming a mom, I will admit that I've definitely upgraded to moderate-worrier status. I just worry a lot about my kids. (Saying "kids" still feels weird. I feel like it makes me sound more experienced than I actually am.)
My oldest is just shy of 13 months and I am just over four months pregnant with our second. And currently, it's not the one learning to walk and climb and bruising himself that I'm worrying most about.
As many of you know, last week we had an anatomy scan done to find out the gender of our next baby. We learned that we would be expecting a little girl! It was such a wonderful and exciting moment and I wanted to enjoy it for as long as I could. But I've been holding on to a constant worry ever since, about a bright spot on her heart that was found during the scan. They call it a calcium deposit and it has been linked to chromosomal issues such as Down's Syndrome and Trisomy 18. The ultrasound tech assured me that they see this and nearly 80% of the time it is completely normal in healthy babies. But in my calculation, that leaves about 20% more reason for me to worry.
I stayed up way too late one night googling: "calcium deposits on heart in fetal ultrasound." And friend, I don't recommend google as a means of calming your worries either.
Our son Micah was born with two holes in his heart, but they never discovered anything like this on any of his ultrasounds. His holes were in the muscular tissue and couldn't be picked up by a normal scan. Which means, there could be other heart issues that they can't even see! More worry.
My heart ached, and I felt myself begin to wish that I didn't have to go through this. This worry... and what if something is wrong? I didn't want to go through that either. Not again.
BUT... then God spoke to me so clearly that I could do nothing but smile and praise Him for it.
How could I sit here, pregnant, and discontent?
God brought me from wondering if I would ever be able to conceive a child, to now being blessed with two pregnancies in under two years! And we have a perfectly healthy son! And we are expecting a daughter! Who by all accounts is measuring and growing perfectly with no other cause for concern!
This is a dream to some families. This is a prayer for many.
What will it take for me to be content?
And then as if I didn't hear Him clear enough. He also gave me this testimony in my bible study this week,
"I ended up in a group with Heather, a young physical therapist who was pregnant with her first child. Heather had a look in her eyes most of the time that seemed uneasy to me - a look like any minute the bottom may fall out on her life and she was doing her best to prepare mentally. As we all shared about the invisible places in our souls where we struggled and areas with which we did not trust God, she confided that she lived in fear of having a special-needs child. She actually cried as she shared this very real fear. As she continued through the study, she was honest and sought God with her fear. On the last night, as we were leaving our discussion of what God had done, Heather shared something so beautiful, so far from a false hope or pretend faith.
Heather said, "I am not afraid of having a special-needs child anymore. In fact, if that is what God has for me, that is what I want for my life. We are only here for a little while, and if He gives me that hard thing to make Himself known, I am okay with that." - Stuck by Jennie Allen
The great news? Heather went on to have a healthy baby girl. The even greater news? She continued her pregnancy in freedom from worry. She had been given the peace from God that no matter what happened, she would be content.
I often make excuses for my worry, especially in the hard things. Because to the world, I am justified. I have a right to be worried. I have a right to be discontent. But as children of God, our lives should be different. Our peace is what sets us apart.
I want my prayer and heart about my unborn daughter, and any hard things we may face, to be the same as Heather's. Even if God gives us this hard thing. Even then, I will be content.
This post is part of a series I’m writing for the month of October entitled “31 Days of Being Content.” See all other posts in this series by clicking here. Or enter your email address in the sidebar on the right to subscribe to this blog and receive posts straight to your inbox!