I have a hard time being vulnerable online...
Maybe because everything I write on here is public domain and can be held against me in court... or something like that. It would probably help if I knew who was reading this. I've made the mistake before of assuming that all my close friends read my blog and know what's going on with me. Not the case. But I've never really shared anything that's mattered before.
I blog to release my thoughts that are jumbling around in my head. Not for an audience. But I do hope and pray that maybe someone that needs to read it will perhaps stumble across my site and hear a song, or read a word that inspires and uplifts them. Just like many of the bloggers out there have done for me. I'm not much of a commenter myself. I read a few blogs and never say a word in response. Sometimes I don't know what to say. Other times I'm embarrassed because my opinion is in the minority of comments on the post. But I do read.
I've noticed something while reading blogs lately. The ones with the most followers usually have an inspirational story. Something they were vulnerable about that reached out to a lot of others and encouraged them. I admire that. And I long to be authentic and for people to see Jesus in me. Which is why, today, I've decided to take the plunge and begin to share some personal stuff.
Forewarning: Guys, you may not want to read the rest of this. I'm about to get all girly and emotional.
Babies, all around me. Church. Doctor's office. Facebook newsfeed. Constantly reminding me of one thing. This month marks a year since Josh and I have been trying to conceive. Those words are not something I really ever wanted to share. I wanted it to just happen. I wanted to surprise everyone when I got pregnant. What can I say? I'm a girl.
But month after month, the only surprised one was me when I got multiple negative pregnancy tests. I began to become suspicious that something must be wrong a few months ago. And after getting the recommendation from a couple friends, I met with a doctor that specializes in infertility. He definitely got to work on getting answers. A couple hours and exams later, he was pretty confident that I have endometriosis. Enough to recommend laparoscopy surgery. Though the thought of surgery alone scares me, I will be glad to have some definite answers after this.
I know endometriosis is not the end of the world. And it's not the worse thing that could happen. But I can't promise you that I don't get down some days wondering why things couldn't just be easy. And just as soon as the words come out of my mouth, God humbles me. I have so much to be thankful for. My hope and trust is in God. After all, He's kind of in control of this whole "knitting together in the mothers womb" business. He knows when the best time for Josh and I to be parents is. And if at all. For now, I continue to be present where he's planted me in life: wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, musician.
And this is me, vulnerable.